I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
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Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
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You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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