You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How external is "for external use only"?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
