I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
