the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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