no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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