she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
me + whiskey = a bad person
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
