I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
