I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He did a backflip because drugs
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
