Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
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I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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