He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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