nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Less talking, more tequila
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
