no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
