"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
