I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
