I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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