Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
