i would punch a child for taco bell
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
