you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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