fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
