good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
