It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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