Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
