Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
