I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
