I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Ketchup is God's man juice
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
