Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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