Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
