My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
