dude i'm inner monologue high
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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