We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
