If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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