hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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