I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
