I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
