We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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