there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
