The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
