Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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