i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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