How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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