there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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