Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
