I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
