i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
