Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
