today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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