did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
