addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just high enough for therapy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
