can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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