I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
