Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
