So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
