I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
