i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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